Sunday, October 16, 2011

GOD

You might recall, Dear Lord that I loved you once. You might remember this child of 5 turning to you when my own father gave me no shelter from the storms all around. I was the little red head with pigtails in Sunday school. The one who was so excited to have learned the song Jesus Loves Me. The girl who proudly sang it, knowing that you would take care of each of your little sheep and bring them back to the flock with gentle kindness. It is I that child of yours, the one you took into your arms and promised eternal life forever.




The years have passed haven’t they? The violent savage attack on my being in 2005 when Joshua hung himself has left me but a shell of that trusting child. My hope for eternal life has come crashing down around me and fear and rage have replaced any song in my heart for you. For years I moved back and forth between blaming you for taking him and the easier place of you not ever having existed. I hoped I had made you up, for that would be easier to bare than what you have allowed. The truth is that somewhere in the blackness of the driveway that night, up on hearing the news I knew it was you. I felt his body and his spirit travel through my body as you extracted him from my life.



The bleeding might have stopped. I am not sure. Sometimes a wound seems to re-open but the pouring of blood from my veins has stopped. The distance between you and I has begun to shorten and I have slowly entertained the thought of you again as my father. This morning I woke hoping I could make my way to church again. The first such thought of wanting to understand you and allow you again. But what will you take, what could loving you again open me up for? I have other sweet children that are mine and you cannot have them. How dare you?!



Jesus Loves Me

This I Know

For The Bible Tells Me So.



I know you have him and I want him back.



~Joshua’s Mom

Monday, October 10, 2011

SUDDENLY SAN FRANCISCO

Tootsie Roll

Mixed Candy



Odd isn’t it how something can seem monument us and with one word of encouragement from someone, it was only but a grain of sand. My grain of sand is San Francisco California. I remember feeling like I was on such a run, first the 18 mile Overnight Walk in Boston from Dusk Till Dawn, Next it was NY 18 miles again overnight and then they announced San Francisco. I remember feeling like I was asked to step outside of something I was so passionate about. I felt left out and tried not to think about it. All of these people would be filling the streets without me. Why was that such a big deal? Well I suppose party because this walk, the volunteers and the other walkers lifted me from the fog and showed me that I could still be a mom to Joshua. That I had a purpose and it was not sobbing in my pajama gram pajama’s the rest of my life. I will never forget being surrounded by so many families sobbing in Boston as we begun to walk. The feeling of loneliness disappeared. We knew each other and we knew that the distance was not going to be nearly as painful as what our sweet children suffered, and the blisters were going to be wonderfully painful in honor of their wounds. So back to San Francisco! The other day I was at a party and an old friend asked about the walk and I mentioned I could not attend, that it would cost too much to get there, but I was ok with it (I really wasn’t). He just sort of looked at me with disbelief and said that it seemed it would not be difficult with all the amazing people who support me and who donate to the AFSP. His prospective enlightened me and opened up the realization that hey maybe I will be able to raise the $1,000 to walk and enough to travel. WoW I felt as if a door was opened. I am now working hard to get behind the possibility of going to SF in June 2012 and doing it all over again….I get excited just thinking about it. How could I have thought I would not go?



So as I plan to fundraise, I have decided that the Christmas Wreaths we do as a family (for a good cause) each year, will be the first in my fundraising efforts. They have always been very popular and the orders pour in. So for everyone who wants a gorgeous yummy treat AND help support the fight against bullying and prevention of suicide I am taking orders and have already gotten 2 stores who want to sell these. With your help, I can go to San Francisco and carry your loved ones with me…..



Email me if your interested in a wreath….I will have a brochure up and pricing…



Thank You,

~Joshua’s Mom



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