Thursday, September 29, 2011

Live Like Im Dying

All my life I loved the sky. The clouds, the stars the world up above the earth. It all felt closer to God. I spent many days just sitting at the Beverly Airport watching the planes take off and land. Often making my way up in the air when some nice pilot saw me sitting in my car. I am usually the silly girl with her head back looking up into the sky, almost falling over, when an airplane goes by. It’s just me.




Joshua’s death had me dormant for so long, of all the loves in my life. That today when I saw a Groupon on a skydive…I knew I had to buy it. I felt instant exhilaration for being up in the heavens again and I know Joshua would have loved to jump out of a plane with me. We joked about it. I am an angel mom, what better to fly?



For so many years I have watched life go by while I waited to see Josh again. This week, this day, and this year I am going to start making my way closer to him by living the life I have dreamed of. No more waiting on him. No more wondering if God might be merciful enough to take me on any given day. It sounds strange to call it a bucket list. There has to be a better name for it. I will come up with one.



I plan to wear a Life Is A Highway T-shirt on all my endeavors in honor of Joshua. To tell him about my plans and my excitement and bring him with me on all the journeys I take. I wonder if this is part of acceptance.



~Joshua’s Mom

Tuesday, September 27, 2011





After a while, you learn the subtle difference,



Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,


And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,


And company doesn’t mean security,


And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts,


And presents aren’t promises,


And you begin to accept you defeats,


With your head up and your eyes open,


With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,


And you learn to build all your roads on today,


Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,


And futures have a way of falling down mid-flight,


After a while, you learn,


That even the sunshine burns if you get too much,


So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,


Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers,


And you learn that you really can endure…


That you really are strong,


And that you really do have worth,


And you learn and learn…






With every goodbye you learn.






~Veronica A Shoffstall

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Give Me an A


I arrived as usual to the place he is resting in peace. Instead of kneeling and kissing the beautiful likeness etched on his stone, I stopped and sat on the cool black granite bench that marks this tiny place my heart calls home. The bench’s coolness reminded me that September was here and soon I would not be able to sit and enjoy the sunshine, as winter moves in. This day was different. Not only were my actions different but also something felt lacking, missing even. I looked around the plot taking a mental note of all the items that have been placed here since 2005. One bowler hat, needing to be replaced after a summers worth of weather, check. Several vases, one filled with red roses trimmed with vibrant orange, check. A mother tree proudly wearing a sign around it’s trunk entitled The Joshua Tree, check. A large shell left here by my sister so that Joshua could be reminded of the ocean, check. Many tiny knick-knacks by people, who loved this boy almost as much as I, check. A tiny bird housed hand painted by a wonderful girl who struggles with the thoughts of taking her own life, a precious soul, check. 22 tiny glass beads, one for every year of his life, check. It all seemed the same and yet it wasn’t. I felt almost empty, but peaceful as well.




“Joshua”, I said, “Do you know why I do not talk to you?” There was no answer. I continued, “Because if I talk to you, that that means I believe you are in heaven and if I believe you are in heaven than I believe there is a God”. I almost did not know what I was saying but I continued. “And if I believe there is a God, than I have had my heart broken by the heavenly father I adored since I was a child”. Here I was of course telling Joshua why I don’t talk to him, whilst talking to him. It got quiet again. The breeze now felt different, real. The wind on my face felt like mercy and it was vibrant. The birds squawking no longer bothered me. The grass looked greener, the ocean looked more blue. “Leave it now”. “It’s time to move”. “It’s time to leave it”. Over and over I heard. I had no idea what I was leaving, but I knew I had to stand and I knew I had to walk away without it.



I stood from the bench, leaned over to kiss Joshua’s stone and slowly walked away. In an instance it left me. I felt light headed. Free. Sad and scared as if I left something behind that I had carried with me constantly. The letter A made a vivid image in my mind and I looked back as my sanctuary was further behind me, hoping to see what it was. I walked as this A continued to place itself in my mind and upon arriving at the car I realized that finally, finally in all these years I had just felt acceptance. ACCEPTANCE. It was like walking into the light after carrying around so much anger. It was like knowing he is ok. It was also like losing an arm. The guilt was frightening as I tried to allow myself the peace that tried to come with it.



Sometimes things that hurt us, are what we need and when we no longer need them they are very hard to detach from. I have felt this before in relationships with people that were unhealthy for me. I never expected to feel it this day. In the car on the way home I told Joshua over and over that I was not leaving him and that I was not ok with what he did. I also told him I cannot continue to fight against it, when it is done and he is gone.



Like every one of the stages, each has been precisely as described. Denial, Anger, Bargaining , Depression and yes Acceptance. They take time. They weave in and out of each other; they are not easy or kind. They can ravage your mind and body. They are a war and yet they are intended for a great purpose. They will enlighten you if you let them. They will draw you closer to life and death if you allow. They take time. They are pure and often not well defined as the creep into each other. They need to be. Acceptance will not be the end; it will just be a new beginning. It is the only stage I had never felt before.



Thank You Joshua.



Mommy Loves You. <3

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Happy 22nd Birthday






I woke up this day 22 years ago in horrible pain. I was only sixteen and had no idea what was really happening to my body. I made my way out of bed at 4:30 am and rested by belly against the back of our horrendous orange lounge chair. I then called to your father who was getting ready for work that it was time to go to the hospital and have our baby. You. You and I had already spent so much time getting to know each other. I sang to you, rocked you to sleep in my belly every night and counted each day until you came. You were already my son. My body LOVED being pregnant. Even though it was only the body of a little girl.



Your birth was not easy. You took much longer to arrive than either you or I expected. You were born with a collapsed lung and they rushed you off before I could hold you. All I saw were two black feet passing by my face. Nobody explained anything to me. You weren’t breathing. The next morning I climbed from my bed, drugged from pain killers and made my way down the hall to see my mother sitting proudly in a rocking chair holding you. You were born on her birthday. Her birthday present. I stood. Thinking that of all the people to be sitting there, it would be her. She was simply an extension of my love for you. From that day on she and I would raise you together. You were so loved. Each year more than the one before it. You were happy! Do you remember?



Today it is raining and feels like a cool September day. Only the lump in my throat challenges the pain in my chest. I am alone, though many try to help and sooth me. As much as I gave birth to you on September 6 1989, you were taken back through my body on June 3rd 2005. Both of these leave me physically broken and emotionally unable to cope with every day things in life.



I miss you. I miss you with all my heart and all my soul. There seems to be no end to the things you never got to do and to the things I never got to say to you. I am so sorry for your pain and that you could not find another way out. I would give anything to have you come home.



Happy Birthday To You

Happy Birthday To you

Happy Birthday Dear Joshua

Happy Birthday To You……



Love Mommy