Thursday, March 24, 2011

Two Beautiful Boys who took the same path.....







I was on the fence about the walk this year. It’s all the way in NY. My torn ACL is as bad as ever and people are hurting so it’s hard to ask for money. I just said to myself that I will wait and if I get a push I will begin the fundraising and planning. Suddenly OUT OF THE BLUE, some super ladies (my sister Jessica and Alicia and Paula Burns) gave me that push. It was last week and we were all sitting around having a birthday party for my niece when Alicia said “so what’s happening for the walk?”, “what are we doing?”. I was completely surprised. I did not figure anyone would be excited and I did not want to go alone. Then Jessica pipes in “I could ask my boss at the Pilot House if we could do a car wash”, I then got excited. And Paula added, “ I could get a fried dough truck”. The three of them took my breath away. “How about a bake sale out front of Walgreens?"….Alicia asked.  Frankly I was a little in disbelief. Of course these wonderful people wanted to do this. Alicia’s brother, Paula’s son Peter Matt took his life on the same day as my son Joshua, only 5 years before. They miss him. They live his life for him. They honor him. Jessica lost her nephew (my Josh). I just came home from a few days in Maine to find that these girls have been working out the details. Again shocked! Jessica acquired a Fundraising night at Jalapeno’s in Gloucester (10% to the AFSP). And we are waiting on the Car Wash to be ok’d at the Pilot House(Monday May 9th)  and Alicia is working on the bake sale.

**** This just in (lol) Christine Davis from Freedom Nh has just been added to our team, yes indeed people this is the push I needed. <3




The American Foundation For Suicide Prevention works in all the area’s of suicide needed to help us get this under control. Incase you did not notice it is only getting worse by the day. They put funds towards schools, research, and depression and alot money for grants that go directly to community help. I am more than honored to help more people stay on this earth instead of end their lives in tragedy and have many more families lost to this illness. This year the 18mile overnight walk through the darkness to the dawn is in NY. I am counting the days until we pack up the car and drive the many miles to walk together with the rest of the angels who know my pain.



<3 Joshua’s Mom



If you are interested in donating please follow the link! Even $5 helps more than you could imagine. Hmmm I wonder how to get a million people to donate $5 :)

https://theovernight.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donate.start&destination=P&eventID=500&participantID=1106



Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Teaching Teachers By Heart




Today was a day unlike any other. I got to help my mother create a Power Point about Joshua, my brother. I got to sit alone in a room and listen to her make a presentation about his life and death, and I got to sit in a room packed with High School teachers who listened too. Walking through the doors of the High School where I got dropped off every morning I was excited, nervous, and also grieving. Ever since my mom had said she was presenting to the district teachers, I had wanted to come with her. I knew how painful it was going to be for her and I wanted to be there in case she needed me. Little did I know that was exactly how it was supposed to turn out.


We got into the room where she was presenting about two hours before she was up. All the teachers were in another room listening to another presentation, so we had some time to work out technical glitches. We hooked up the laptop, put it up on the wall in front of nine tables each with five chairs, and began work. We wrote her speech, fixed errors, practiced presentations, ran the slide shows, and basically reviewed everything she had been working on for the past week. It was fun but it was also very sad, watching all of Joshua's pictures go by, never really being able to look at them as long as I would have liked to. Mom's presentation even as she just practiced was fabulous, even though she said at the time that she was very nervous and was thinking about backing out. “Mom,” I told her, “You're presenting your son's story to fifty of my teachers who probably need a good story to get through their heads about the effects of bullying. This is no time to call in sick!” Her presentation began by telling the story of Joshua's life, how he was a happy little boy who loved baseball and bike rides and playing catch. And then she moved to the times when he started to grow up and be bullied to the maximum. It ended with his death and the police report about it. She didn't even have to break in her story to stop crying, but I kept hearing people sniffling. I turned my head towards the laptop where I had to press the clicker. I couldn't believe my peripheral vision : maybe half of the whole assembly of math, history, science, and English teachers were crying. Some were weeping, some merely had watery eyes. There were a few women next to me who were actually crying, tears pouring down their eyes as my mother told the story of Joshua's broken heart. “You don't want to be that one teacher,” she said, looking out and making eye contact with them, “that sees the kid being bullied and doesn't say anything. You don't want to hear about how, because the issue was in your hands and you did nothing, that kid won't be coming back to school next year, or ever.”

I heard muffled sobs a few rows back, and I looked up into the projected image and into Joshua's smiling face, a boy whose heart was too big and whose family adored him. Now, thanks to my mother, the entire assembly knew exactly what could happen to a student who was bullied. “I address you,” my mother said, “not as teachers and faculty, although that is what you are, but as parents, aunts and uncles and grandmothers. Let this touch your heart.” It worked so well.

When she ended the presentation, and the whole assembly was clapping and crying, I saw her give them a smile and sit down near me again. The teachers, some of whom I had had classes with, all of whom I respected, began to move around in the room, talking to each other, coming over to congratulate my mother or give her a hug. Some even came to me and thanked me for putting the presentation together. Some of them were my teachers. I saw them every day. I learned from them. And they all had a new respect and a new pity in their eyes when they came over. “Please,” one said, “If you ever see bullying around, or anywhere, let me know, feel free to come talk to me about it.” I was absolutely stunned. “Well yes,” I said, “I try to report it any time I can.” “Good, you know … it's a very serious problem, we need to figure out new ways to put a stop to it, if we're going to fix it it's going to have to be quick.” I found myself speechless.

Other teachers simply gave me a hug, some of them were still crying when they said they were sorry for our loss...

I've never seen so many people who looked so united in their sadness and horror. They all rose up to the challenge of stopping bullying, and all rose up to thank me and my mother.



McDonalds afterward was kind of funny. The thing was, mommy got through her entire presentation without even saying, “Um...” Or even stuttering, so we got to the drive through and she says, “I'd like two extra double cheese-I mean cheese no, I mean no cheese, hamburgers, um double hamburgers absolutely plain, no cheese.” We cracked up.

~Joshua's Sister Danielle Age 14

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Death Wish

A few months before Joshua died, he sent me a list of directives. I have not shared this with anyone. I am guilt ridden at the fact that he was telling me he was leaving me and I did not see it. It was about each person he cared about or loathed. First he told me what he was doing or how he handled these people and then what I should do in the future. At the time I just thought he was growing up and being protective of me. I did not know he was guiding me after he was gone. I should have seen it when he insisted I marry Tom. He would not take no for an answer and frankly at the time I had no thoughts of being that serious…ever. Turns out Josh was also working on Tom in this same fashion. We had no idea he was leaving me in the arms of someone he respected. How stupid was I not to see this. “Promise me mom” he said. “Right now”. “He adores you, he makes you happy and he loves you more than anyone has”. I promised him because I wanted him to stop badgering me. A few short months later Josh was dead. I slipped into an emotional coma and that same person Joshua asked me to marry, was taking care of me as I lay in bed for 2 years. Saving my life. He fed me, be bathed me, he moved me closer to the cemetery and to Rockport so Danielle and Annabelle could see me” He saved my life. Joshua was right. The first thing I did was marry him. Now Joshua lives in us and it was the best decision I ever made.




“Get the girls” was the next thing he was insistent upon. After I left my second husband (yeah I’m a treasure) my daughters were taken from me violently. Many don’t know this but Joshua was the reason they were taken from me. You see in a court a nasty step-father who has been privy to a young childs pain can then go in and accuse him of being a danger to his sisters all the while knowing he was lying. It is called an ex parte. They were then removed from my home on those grounds. Joshua knew I was dying inside without them, but he did not know the details. He never found this out. It would have killed him inside. After his death I did exactly as he suggested. I kept my friends close and my enemies closer and in 2008 I got full custody of my two girls. Other people were interviewed in that process that Joshua mentioned to me.  I read over the interviews and realized just how dead on he was...That story has yet to be finished.





As I look back on the past few years I can see how each request of Joshua’s before he left has played out in my life. I am not able to post that message, as it would hurt many people and create what it is I am trying to remove from my life. As I succeed in doing what he suggests it has become clear how smart he was. How much he cared for me and how many things he was doing to care for me after he was gone. Recently I have been told a million times that I seem different. I have been looked at and people have tried to figure me out. Why they ask? The fact that they even ask makes no sense. The answer is Joshua. What he wanted for me and how far away from many people he asked me to get or how close he wanted me to be. How he knew who was good for me and who wasn’t.



I have one person left that Joshua adored more than life. She was his sweetest best friend, his partner in crime and truly the love of his heart. His sister. He told me what to do to keep close to her and it is not working. We are both in so much pain and filled with guilt that we are like oil and water when we are near each other. He said “mommy you are both so strong willed, one of you had to give in”. “Take care of her”. “Hug her more. Love her She needs you.” I am trying buddy. I am trying.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Bullying

Dealing with the loss of a child is a slow process. It has helped me  in recent years to let grief lead  the way and guide me in the directions I could handle at any given time. There were always aspects I was not ready for. The visualization of what Joshua went through as he gasped for his last breath, the physical aspects of death and burial, and even the people who contributed to his demise and my anger. I must admit the last one has been avoided by me like the plague. With all of this rage, I never really wanted to have anyone to direct it towards. It has now become an inevitable part of my moving forward.




As many of you now know, Massachusetts is in the midst of a bullying push. The Phoebe Prince hanging in South Hadley catapulted Bullying to the very front of our lives and gave it the emphasis it needed to have something done. Late though it is, it is certainly now opening up this topic in schools and with teachers everywhere. A week ago I got a phone call from the principal of our local high school looking to have Joshua’s story told as part of the teacher training and also for some object lessons on what is and what is not bullying. And there it was. A very, very difficult piece of this puzzle for me to face. The school is not simply interested in suicide, but suicide specific to torment. Many of Joshua’s friends have shared with me the torment he suffered in Wolfeboro at the hands of cruel people and I of course know much about the years before that. The term that hit Joshua the hardest was “FAGGIT”. That word hurts just to say it. I have now spent this past week pouring over messages from Josh on the computer, journals and going through all of the emails from his friends. It is the hardest reality yet to face. I did not protect Joshua from nasty people, nasty insults and nasty games.



Suicide is not pretty. Bullying is downright ugly and has many forms. I hope to be an inspiration to the teachers at North Middlesex Regional High School and provide them with empathy and knowledge. Joshua did not always want to kill himself. He was pushed. My goal is that no student suffers the same pushing!



Joshua’s Mom



P.S If you are reading this and you are a bully or a bystander please note, you are no longer protected and if caught you will be punished, now more seriously than ever. If you are an adult that bullies, please stop right away and seek help. You are likely raising a bully.