Sunday, December 18, 2011

Christmas Shopping For My Angel





There’s one little boy left on my list
All the others are done and I’ve wrapped all their gifts


He’s 15 years old and I have no idea
The things he would use or the clothes he would wear


My pace is much slower than those in the mall
And thank God they don’t see my tears as they fall



Memories flood  back to the fun that we had
And I choose some magic cards and a soft felt like hat


T-shirts with sayings and famous peoples names
Were one of his favorites, I smile as I pay


Ma’am may I help you a clerk kindly asks
But she’d never understand this heavenly task


I’m shopping for an angel I thought I might say
As I wipe a tear from my cheek and quietly walk away


As I sit on a bench and sift through the gifts
I can’t help but remember the smile on his lips


The boy who brought the best out of Christmas for me
As he bolted toward the presents under the tree


I sat for a few and searched the many faces
And wondered if anyone else was here shopping for angels


Then I picked up my bag and headed for the door
And did what  I’d done for five years before


I carefully headed to the corner of the lot
And placed my sons gifts in the donation box

I stopped and envisioned a boy of fifteen
Waking in the morning and opening these


For a moment  I stood  my heart broke once again
And screamed to the night MERRY CHRISTMAS MY SON.

Written by ~Joshua's Mom for her baby boy. <3

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

MY CHRISTMAS WISH



Santa all I wish for
As I wake on Christmas morn
Is you’ll make a stop in heaven
And bring home my first-born

I have no use for presents
I’ve little care for things
But what I’d give my life for
Is my boy who now has wings

I’ll give back all the trinkets
You brought since I was small
If you’d please just grant this one wish
It’s the wish I wish of all

Santa, stop in heaven
It’s right along the way
As you fly through the heavens
With your reindeer in your sleigh

I know my son is waiting
I’m on his wish list too
And so please make both our wishes
This Christmas Year come true.


~By Joshua's Mom

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Life Is A Highway and I am always both coming and going.....

I often walk the black edge. The fringes of this world, the places most people don’t often even know exist. They stand out once in a while as people walk through life in times where goosebumps, dejavu and panic show their faces. I stare at this life both as a lurker and a participant. Every moment of every day is sliced down the middle with the icy cold edge of fear and the hot sweat of enjoyment. He did this. He made tears come even during laughter as if there is no end to the pain even in the good times. The water does not meet the land, it rages amongst it allowing me to get my footing whilst the waves crash around me, knocking me down. I see from the angles of both life and death. I see opposites as if they are both pure truth. Prospective is the robe I wear. The bridge is both beautiful and an arch to cover water, just as it may quickly be an answer to my pain. The light is both refreshing and painful all captured inside one prism. Running is exuberant and yet I am weary. All good, all bad, all black and all white.






One fateful day, June 3rd 2005 all of what was good and bad in life collided inside of me. Joshua both took a life and gave a life. I am forever thankful and in angst at the same time.





Every day, every moment, everything is true.



To those who struggle with the thoughts of taking your life, please remember that you will take more than just your own. You will sentence many more to death here on earth! No more person can that be more true for than your family!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Road Less Travelled

The Road Less Travelled
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;


Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference





As a girl I loved this poem. During my years in NH I often found myself at the Robert Frost Farm in Derry NH staring at the two paths and wishing I were that person who bravely took The Road Less Traveled. To put off the things of the world like money, popularity, and selfishness and find those things, which are less, focused on. Yesterday I finally found myself faced with that choice and thanks to Joshua It was the only road I could travel. The only road my soul would let me attend.


As many of you know it was time for me to go back to work. The girls are grown (well ok 13 and 15) and I need to do something outside of the home to contribute financially and more so find out who I am again after Joshua’s suicide. For the past 6 years it has been all that all the time. Having decided it was time; I sent my resume out to two different job types. The first being the corporate jobs that I used to have before Joshua. Appraisal Management type jobs. The second set was to non-profits and places that give back to society. The first resume I sent out was to ProTeck in Waltham and they called me within five minutes. This job was identical to my previous job, which I did for over 7 years. It was a perfect fit. Right? For the past week I had a knot In my stomach but I kept telling myself I would get used to it. Something inside me just did not feel right about taking this job. Something did not feel like I was honoring my struggle. I moved forward anyway and yesterday went into ProTeck for my first day. As I sat and trained with a very nice girl, I noticed that people did not speak as they passed by. They did not smile or act friendly. Hmmm I thought why do I care? I then noticed that as I sat and learned, I had a feeling of dread. This was not for me. They would do everything I requested. Odd hours to work around traffic send my home with a set-up to work from home when I chose. A Perfect Fit that did not feel perfect at all. What was wrong with me? Am I spoiled? How is a job that fits my skill set so well, not for me?  I did not complete that day and as I drove home feeling broken and dissapointed in myself, Life Is A Highway came on the radio.


Today I feel calm and centered. I am not beating myself up anymore. I have talked to some wise people who knew this was not the place for me. Who saw this not lining up with my trauma and the new me! What happened? Why am I so broken, why does this puzzle piece not seem to fit anywhere anymore. It is like I have to work so hard to fit in now socially, with family and even in business. It’s clunky and not natural. I am outside looking in. Joshua happened. He took everything I thought to have value and turned it upside down. He showed me that love, kindness, charity and purpose are a necessity and he made my soul align with that path. I have always taught my kids that if you feel different, if you don’t fit in then you are probably doing something right. Now I understand what that means and what it feels like. It’s not simple. It’s not easy.


What I want and need is people! At the end of the day, I would rather deliver flowers and see a smile than sit in a cubical spinning thread into gold. I want to help and I want to say at the end of my life that I made a difference in peoples lives. I am certain you cannot take it with you! I want to fight for the lives of teens that are hurting; I want to help them become what they never thought they could. I don’t want to fit in ever again.

<3 Joshua's Mom <3

Sunday, October 16, 2011

GOD

You might recall, Dear Lord that I loved you once. You might remember this child of 5 turning to you when my own father gave me no shelter from the storms all around. I was the little red head with pigtails in Sunday school. The one who was so excited to have learned the song Jesus Loves Me. The girl who proudly sang it, knowing that you would take care of each of your little sheep and bring them back to the flock with gentle kindness. It is I that child of yours, the one you took into your arms and promised eternal life forever.




The years have passed haven’t they? The violent savage attack on my being in 2005 when Joshua hung himself has left me but a shell of that trusting child. My hope for eternal life has come crashing down around me and fear and rage have replaced any song in my heart for you. For years I moved back and forth between blaming you for taking him and the easier place of you not ever having existed. I hoped I had made you up, for that would be easier to bare than what you have allowed. The truth is that somewhere in the blackness of the driveway that night, up on hearing the news I knew it was you. I felt his body and his spirit travel through my body as you extracted him from my life.



The bleeding might have stopped. I am not sure. Sometimes a wound seems to re-open but the pouring of blood from my veins has stopped. The distance between you and I has begun to shorten and I have slowly entertained the thought of you again as my father. This morning I woke hoping I could make my way to church again. The first such thought of wanting to understand you and allow you again. But what will you take, what could loving you again open me up for? I have other sweet children that are mine and you cannot have them. How dare you?!



Jesus Loves Me

This I Know

For The Bible Tells Me So.



I know you have him and I want him back.



~Joshua’s Mom

Monday, October 10, 2011

SUDDENLY SAN FRANCISCO

Tootsie Roll

Mixed Candy



Odd isn’t it how something can seem monument us and with one word of encouragement from someone, it was only but a grain of sand. My grain of sand is San Francisco California. I remember feeling like I was on such a run, first the 18 mile Overnight Walk in Boston from Dusk Till Dawn, Next it was NY 18 miles again overnight and then they announced San Francisco. I remember feeling like I was asked to step outside of something I was so passionate about. I felt left out and tried not to think about it. All of these people would be filling the streets without me. Why was that such a big deal? Well I suppose party because this walk, the volunteers and the other walkers lifted me from the fog and showed me that I could still be a mom to Joshua. That I had a purpose and it was not sobbing in my pajama gram pajama’s the rest of my life. I will never forget being surrounded by so many families sobbing in Boston as we begun to walk. The feeling of loneliness disappeared. We knew each other and we knew that the distance was not going to be nearly as painful as what our sweet children suffered, and the blisters were going to be wonderfully painful in honor of their wounds. So back to San Francisco! The other day I was at a party and an old friend asked about the walk and I mentioned I could not attend, that it would cost too much to get there, but I was ok with it (I really wasn’t). He just sort of looked at me with disbelief and said that it seemed it would not be difficult with all the amazing people who support me and who donate to the AFSP. His prospective enlightened me and opened up the realization that hey maybe I will be able to raise the $1,000 to walk and enough to travel. WoW I felt as if a door was opened. I am now working hard to get behind the possibility of going to SF in June 2012 and doing it all over again….I get excited just thinking about it. How could I have thought I would not go?



So as I plan to fundraise, I have decided that the Christmas Wreaths we do as a family (for a good cause) each year, will be the first in my fundraising efforts. They have always been very popular and the orders pour in. So for everyone who wants a gorgeous yummy treat AND help support the fight against bullying and prevention of suicide I am taking orders and have already gotten 2 stores who want to sell these. With your help, I can go to San Francisco and carry your loved ones with me…..



Email me if your interested in a wreath….I will have a brochure up and pricing…



Thank You,

~Joshua’s Mom



Mndypool@gmail.com          Click Brochure to enlarge....


Thursday, September 29, 2011

Live Like Im Dying

All my life I loved the sky. The clouds, the stars the world up above the earth. It all felt closer to God. I spent many days just sitting at the Beverly Airport watching the planes take off and land. Often making my way up in the air when some nice pilot saw me sitting in my car. I am usually the silly girl with her head back looking up into the sky, almost falling over, when an airplane goes by. It’s just me.




Joshua’s death had me dormant for so long, of all the loves in my life. That today when I saw a Groupon on a skydive…I knew I had to buy it. I felt instant exhilaration for being up in the heavens again and I know Joshua would have loved to jump out of a plane with me. We joked about it. I am an angel mom, what better to fly?



For so many years I have watched life go by while I waited to see Josh again. This week, this day, and this year I am going to start making my way closer to him by living the life I have dreamed of. No more waiting on him. No more wondering if God might be merciful enough to take me on any given day. It sounds strange to call it a bucket list. There has to be a better name for it. I will come up with one.



I plan to wear a Life Is A Highway T-shirt on all my endeavors in honor of Joshua. To tell him about my plans and my excitement and bring him with me on all the journeys I take. I wonder if this is part of acceptance.



~Joshua’s Mom

Tuesday, September 27, 2011





After a while, you learn the subtle difference,



Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,


And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,


And company doesn’t mean security,


And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts,


And presents aren’t promises,


And you begin to accept you defeats,


With your head up and your eyes open,


With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,


And you learn to build all your roads on today,


Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,


And futures have a way of falling down mid-flight,


After a while, you learn,


That even the sunshine burns if you get too much,


So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,


Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers,


And you learn that you really can endure…


That you really are strong,


And that you really do have worth,


And you learn and learn…






With every goodbye you learn.






~Veronica A Shoffstall

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Give Me an A


I arrived as usual to the place he is resting in peace. Instead of kneeling and kissing the beautiful likeness etched on his stone, I stopped and sat on the cool black granite bench that marks this tiny place my heart calls home. The bench’s coolness reminded me that September was here and soon I would not be able to sit and enjoy the sunshine, as winter moves in. This day was different. Not only were my actions different but also something felt lacking, missing even. I looked around the plot taking a mental note of all the items that have been placed here since 2005. One bowler hat, needing to be replaced after a summers worth of weather, check. Several vases, one filled with red roses trimmed with vibrant orange, check. A mother tree proudly wearing a sign around it’s trunk entitled The Joshua Tree, check. A large shell left here by my sister so that Joshua could be reminded of the ocean, check. Many tiny knick-knacks by people, who loved this boy almost as much as I, check. A tiny bird housed hand painted by a wonderful girl who struggles with the thoughts of taking her own life, a precious soul, check. 22 tiny glass beads, one for every year of his life, check. It all seemed the same and yet it wasn’t. I felt almost empty, but peaceful as well.




“Joshua”, I said, “Do you know why I do not talk to you?” There was no answer. I continued, “Because if I talk to you, that that means I believe you are in heaven and if I believe you are in heaven than I believe there is a God”. I almost did not know what I was saying but I continued. “And if I believe there is a God, than I have had my heart broken by the heavenly father I adored since I was a child”. Here I was of course telling Joshua why I don’t talk to him, whilst talking to him. It got quiet again. The breeze now felt different, real. The wind on my face felt like mercy and it was vibrant. The birds squawking no longer bothered me. The grass looked greener, the ocean looked more blue. “Leave it now”. “It’s time to move”. “It’s time to leave it”. Over and over I heard. I had no idea what I was leaving, but I knew I had to stand and I knew I had to walk away without it.



I stood from the bench, leaned over to kiss Joshua’s stone and slowly walked away. In an instance it left me. I felt light headed. Free. Sad and scared as if I left something behind that I had carried with me constantly. The letter A made a vivid image in my mind and I looked back as my sanctuary was further behind me, hoping to see what it was. I walked as this A continued to place itself in my mind and upon arriving at the car I realized that finally, finally in all these years I had just felt acceptance. ACCEPTANCE. It was like walking into the light after carrying around so much anger. It was like knowing he is ok. It was also like losing an arm. The guilt was frightening as I tried to allow myself the peace that tried to come with it.



Sometimes things that hurt us, are what we need and when we no longer need them they are very hard to detach from. I have felt this before in relationships with people that were unhealthy for me. I never expected to feel it this day. In the car on the way home I told Joshua over and over that I was not leaving him and that I was not ok with what he did. I also told him I cannot continue to fight against it, when it is done and he is gone.



Like every one of the stages, each has been precisely as described. Denial, Anger, Bargaining , Depression and yes Acceptance. They take time. They weave in and out of each other; they are not easy or kind. They can ravage your mind and body. They are a war and yet they are intended for a great purpose. They will enlighten you if you let them. They will draw you closer to life and death if you allow. They take time. They are pure and often not well defined as the creep into each other. They need to be. Acceptance will not be the end; it will just be a new beginning. It is the only stage I had never felt before.



Thank You Joshua.



Mommy Loves You. <3

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Happy 22nd Birthday






I woke up this day 22 years ago in horrible pain. I was only sixteen and had no idea what was really happening to my body. I made my way out of bed at 4:30 am and rested by belly against the back of our horrendous orange lounge chair. I then called to your father who was getting ready for work that it was time to go to the hospital and have our baby. You. You and I had already spent so much time getting to know each other. I sang to you, rocked you to sleep in my belly every night and counted each day until you came. You were already my son. My body LOVED being pregnant. Even though it was only the body of a little girl.



Your birth was not easy. You took much longer to arrive than either you or I expected. You were born with a collapsed lung and they rushed you off before I could hold you. All I saw were two black feet passing by my face. Nobody explained anything to me. You weren’t breathing. The next morning I climbed from my bed, drugged from pain killers and made my way down the hall to see my mother sitting proudly in a rocking chair holding you. You were born on her birthday. Her birthday present. I stood. Thinking that of all the people to be sitting there, it would be her. She was simply an extension of my love for you. From that day on she and I would raise you together. You were so loved. Each year more than the one before it. You were happy! Do you remember?



Today it is raining and feels like a cool September day. Only the lump in my throat challenges the pain in my chest. I am alone, though many try to help and sooth me. As much as I gave birth to you on September 6 1989, you were taken back through my body on June 3rd 2005. Both of these leave me physically broken and emotionally unable to cope with every day things in life.



I miss you. I miss you with all my heart and all my soul. There seems to be no end to the things you never got to do and to the things I never got to say to you. I am so sorry for your pain and that you could not find another way out. I would give anything to have you come home.



Happy Birthday To You

Happy Birthday To you

Happy Birthday Dear Joshua

Happy Birthday To You……



Love Mommy

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

47 Nottingham Rd. Raymond NH.

Remember Happy?




This summer has been another “season” for hurdles Joshua’s death has left behind. One of the biggest was Pawtuckaway State Park in Nottingham NH. Our family went every year when he was little and I had not been back since Joshua’s death. To top that hurdle off, an even greater one awaited me in order to get to Pawtuckaway. You see on the way is a house. A sweet beautiful house, set back behind a pond aptly named Hop Frog Pond. That house is where Joshua spent his best years. It is in Raymond NH.



As I took exit number 5 off 101 it all came crashing back to me. The familiar gas station, the Wal mart distribution center, the road with the McDonald’s and the meat market I used to get everything for the family bbq’s. “I’ll have a double cheeseburger and a coke” sounded into my head in Joshua’s voice. Ouch this was going to be harder than I thought. Hannaford was still up on the hill. It was my weekly grocery shop in the days when I resided here. Could I do it? I walked through the grocery store sobbing so I guess the answer was no. Pushing the carriage with Joshua no longer riding the front. Passing the bakery and no longer grabbing him a cookie. Each of his favorite foods, the book section. Nothing. People stared as I passed sobbing like a child. I finally made it to the parking lot exhausted, throwing things into the car for camping and left my purse. All in all OUCH.



The house was next. I slowed down as I got onto Nottingham Rd. Oh how I loved this large beautiful house. It was my pride and joy. I had 4 kids a dog and pristine white rugs always. The daffodils were my favorite; they covered the beautifully landscaped front lawn that I took such care to garden. Even topiary bushes were not to much for this novice. I was in love. As I got to the top of the hill, the house sat just the same. Maybe a tad more yellow than the salmon color it was. I gasped for breath sitting on the side of the road, sobbing and wishing I could go in. The mailbox read 47. I could see Joshua’s bedroom from road. I imagined him in his bed with the fan on his face reading Harry Potter. I imagined us all inside. I hummed a few bars of “The House That Made Me” and imagined knocking on the door to ask if I might come in and sit a while in his room. “Mommy” my teenage daughter sitting next to me having equally as hard a time said “I will buy this for you someday I promise”, “I will get this house back for you”. Thank you I whispered. "I know you will". I remembered burying Prince in the woods in the back yard thinking we would stay here forever. I never thought I would have to burry my son as well. He would have like to be buried near his companian Bella.



Next onto the rolling hills of Nottingham and the state park. From the parking lot, to the campsites to the water spickets it was all the same. We set up the tent and I forced myself to stop having the pictures race through my head of Joshua climbing between the trees as if he were Spiderman. I had to keep slapping myself to make certain this family, now, these kids, my husband had a good time camping.



Joshua you would be so proud of me.

~Joshua’s Mom

Friday, June 24, 2011

Our Deepest Gratitude

The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you. ~John E. Southard






On behalf of the friends and family of Joshua Amaral, Steve Woodard and Peter Matt Burns we would like to thank all the amazing companies that donated to help in the fight against bullying, depression and suicide. We were nothing short of amazed at the support and donations we received from the generous companies we contacted. Thank you also to Jalapenos for making our fundraising night fun and memorable and for all those who came. Each one of you made it possible for us to walk in the Out Of The Darkness Walk and with help from The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, we all saved lives. The following companies honored our journey:


Vermont Teddy Bear,

Alchemy Restaurant,

Meineke,

Linden Tree Inn,

Dogeared Jewelry,

The Lobster Pool,

Seaward Inn Rockport,

Avanti Hair Salon,

Friendly’s,

The Causeway Restaurant,

Cape Ann Marina,

The Farm Restaurant,

Gracie Cakes in Salem,

Plum Cove Grind,

The Landing Restaurant Marblehead,

Bertucci's,

Cape Ann Whale Watch,

Divine Day Spa,

Groupon,

Hannaford Supermarkets,

Nor' East Cleaners,

Sunbanque,

Pilot House Restaurant,

Harbor Light Inn Marblehead,

Cash donation from Annabelle Harling,

Dog Bar Restaurant,

Latitude 43,

Yankee Smokehouse,

Espresso Restaurant,

The Westin Hotel in Boston,

The Westin Hotel in Times Square Ny

Cash Donations from Freedom Market, Freedom N.H

Cake Pops by Jackie Burns




A special thank you to the amazing staff at Grill 23 and The Lenox Hotel in Boston for not only donating but for making life a much better place. Also to our friends and family on Life Is A Highway on Facebook and to everyone who donated and bought a calendar.



Each of you made a difference!



Warmest Thanks!

Team Life Is A Highway

~Joshua’s Mom

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

TIME WON'T STAND STILL....

Wait a minute. Just please stop.


I can’t bare another moment

From that ticking on the clock.







I can’t hold another flower

Or taste another spring

In this endless painful thing



I have longed to hear your sweetness

I’d give it all to touch your face

I can’t bare to let a moment

Get away,, I cant replace







I have lost so many moments

Taken by the breeze

I scream to get them back

I beg that they might freeze



I have only what I remember

Only what I can recall

If these seconds continue passing

I might just lose it all



Please stop for just a minute

While I try to catch my breath

While I try to get a handle

On this pain that is called death.



I saved you in my pages

I saved you in my dreams

I saved you in my journals

I saved your little things



I am losing you, slowly.

Your memory starts to fade

I cant seem to hold onto

The past  we had made



No matter how I try

I cant stop the hands of time

They taunt and tease my tears

And remove what once was mine.





Please just for a moment

Give me back my son

Give me back our dreams

And the life that had just begun.

~Written and Lived by Joshua's Mom <3

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The HeartBreak Of May

It’s amazing how much my son struggled with Suicide. In reading his journals he was so sick of the constant nagging to end his life. Today, I understood. I felt tossed about by the darkest wind and yet my heart felt as if I carried around a rock in my chest and a lump in my throat all day. I am exhausted of constantly feeling like I forgot something and then remembering what it is I am missing. I am so tired of waking up each morning having to convince myself that today is not the day and that I can do this, that I am strong. He must have been exhausted as well. Broken, beaten and with no hope.


May creeps into my soul with it’s bird nests, daffodils and fresh spring air and makes me want to run. Some days my skin even feels as if it’s to heavy for my body. I’ve no safe place to rest no hiding place where nobody can find me. I have to walk around hoping I make it through yet another May and another June 3rd. I cry at the drop of a hat. It’s always waiting for some reminder or someone to hurt me. It’s irrational. I bleed out.

Today took it’s toll. It was like I was having labor pains, but I knew they would never stop. My body ached for my son again and I felt such a strong desire to be with him. I remembered him in his casket with his blue dress shirt and grey turtleneck in the middle of June so the scars on his neck would not show. I could almost hear the faint echo of the word “mommy” in the distance if I tried hard enough. I remembered his Sesame Street books and the hours we spent learning and laughing.

I feel as if someone is ripping out my heart. This hurts so badly. When will I ever get a moments peace from this? WHEN?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Amazing Generosity!!!!!!!!

1. $50 Alchemy Restaurant,2.Free Oil Change,3.Free night's stay at http://www.lindentreeinn.com/ 4.$250 dollars worth of Dogeared jewlery http://www.dogeared.com/, 5.$50 The Lobster Pool Restaurant 6.2 Free Nights at The Seaward Inn http://www.seawardinn.com/ 7. Cut and blow dry at Avanti Salon 8.$30 Gift Certificates to Friendlys 9.$35 The Causeway Restaurant,10.3 Month Pool Pass at Cape Ann Marina (value 150) 11.$25 The Farm http://www.farmbargrille.com/   12 $50 Gracie Cakes in Salem Ma. http://www.gracie-cakes.com/  13. $25 The Grind Cafe 14. $25 The Farm (see above for link) 15.$50 The Landing http://www.thelandingrestaurant.com/  16. $25 Bertuccis  17.$90 Cape Ann Whale Watch http://www.thelandingrestaurant.com/ 18.Divine Day Spa cut and blow dry 19. $50 Groupon http://www.groupon.com/    20. $25 Hannaford  21.$25 Nor East Cleaners 22.$25 Sunbanque Gloucester, 23. $20 Pilot House, 24. Free Night at The Harbor Light Inn http://www.harborlightinn.com/ 25.$50 CASH donated by Annabelle my daughter,26. $20 Dogbar http://www.dogbarcapeann.com/ , 27.$25 Latitude 43 restaurant, 28. $20 Yankee Smoke House Ossippee Nh, 29. $25 Expresso and last but not least 2 free nights at The Westin Waterfont in Boston valued at $600 dollars....

The Calendar above is the product of amazing local generosity. It's value is almost $3,000 and it is full of great prizes and give aways donated from local companies to support bullying and suicide prevention. Each time I called someone and told them about Joshua and the efforts to help raise awareness they said yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! It became less and less uncomfortable for me each time I tried. I would simply look up to the heavens and say "YES" "Josh we did it". The calendar is many of those blessings all wrapped up in one. If you are interested in purchasing one of these calendars, simply click the link and put $20 dollars with a comment saying "raffle" and your information to be contacted. We will draw a winner on each day of June. The month that Joshua took his life. https://theovernight.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donate.start&destination=P&eventID=500&participantID=1106

Another moment I would like to share is about an angel. I am never certain if people would be ok about me talking about them, but I have to. I contacted one of my favorite restaurants and a wonderful man, clearly passionate about this cause donated a $225 dinner at The Grill 23http://www.grill23.com/. If you have seen this amazing restaurant on Chronicle you would understand the amazing gift this is. Next he took it upon himself to contact a friend at The Lenox Hotel and add that to the raffle. The value of this raffle skyrocketed. At our fundraiser last nigh in Gloucester people were thrilled to buy a ticket. One man even bought 5....So to this kind man a heartfel thank you from Joshua and myself.


Lastly I need to give a shout out to Peter Lindberg and his wonderful band mate (whos name escapes me) http://www.facebook.com/#!/petelindberg for donating amazing music at Jalapeno's last night. He is incredible and I can not wait until his cd comes out. Thank You Both!!!


Each child lost, Each child losing, Each child stuck in the place between the worlds. Each one honored, each one removing the stigma of suicide and the fight against the depths.

~Joshua's Mom

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

LETTER FROM SCHOOL AFTER I SPOKE :)




The above letter is from the wonderful principal at North Middlesex Regional School District. The day she is reffering to was one of the hardest in my life. I had to both be professional about my story and yet show my pain and my heart. Many teachers came with open hearts that day. It was just another moment where I felt like I might still be Joshua's Mom...

Monday, April 4, 2011

Pieces Of Pain




I don’t want to write a long drawn out Blog today because my heart hurts and I need a break from the pain. Its April, another April. Joshua died in June. The springtime and its beautiful flowers, soft grass and crisp warm breeze are a double-edged sword for me. I love and hate Spring now. So once again I am dragged unwillingly closer to an anniversary of my son, who I would have taken a bullet for. I am sore as If I were bruised from a beaten I just took. Worse yet are the journals of Joshuas that require me to relive his pain and his very own journey in April of 2005. The reality of his pain has been written and I am forced to recognize the people who helped push Joshua over the edge. It is not a kind realization.




Today some great things happened. I got my first donation for the upcoming overnight walk in NY and people received a copy of The Chicken Soup book I wrote The Joshua Tree in. Truthfully before that I was sobbing and dragging on the ground asking myself how to move forward. Thank you to everyone working to lift my spirits. I must say that after all the research I have read about the lack of empathy we are moving towards as a society connected to the internet, I have never felt more love than when I log onto my Life Is A Highway FB page and find a family of people that love me!


The next few months are hard. I usually move through the stages of Joshua’s death, pulled apart by time. I am lucky enough that my grief allows me pieces of pain rather than one large dose in June. Pieces are a blessing, but not a reprieve. I would rather have my son home! Everything is agitating his being gone. Everything.

<3 Joshua's Mom

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Two Beautiful Boys who took the same path.....







I was on the fence about the walk this year. It’s all the way in NY. My torn ACL is as bad as ever and people are hurting so it’s hard to ask for money. I just said to myself that I will wait and if I get a push I will begin the fundraising and planning. Suddenly OUT OF THE BLUE, some super ladies (my sister Jessica and Alicia and Paula Burns) gave me that push. It was last week and we were all sitting around having a birthday party for my niece when Alicia said “so what’s happening for the walk?”, “what are we doing?”. I was completely surprised. I did not figure anyone would be excited and I did not want to go alone. Then Jessica pipes in “I could ask my boss at the Pilot House if we could do a car wash”, I then got excited. And Paula added, “ I could get a fried dough truck”. The three of them took my breath away. “How about a bake sale out front of Walgreens?"….Alicia asked.  Frankly I was a little in disbelief. Of course these wonderful people wanted to do this. Alicia’s brother, Paula’s son Peter Matt took his life on the same day as my son Joshua, only 5 years before. They miss him. They live his life for him. They honor him. Jessica lost her nephew (my Josh). I just came home from a few days in Maine to find that these girls have been working out the details. Again shocked! Jessica acquired a Fundraising night at Jalapeno’s in Gloucester (10% to the AFSP). And we are waiting on the Car Wash to be ok’d at the Pilot House(Monday May 9th)  and Alicia is working on the bake sale.

**** This just in (lol) Christine Davis from Freedom Nh has just been added to our team, yes indeed people this is the push I needed. <3




The American Foundation For Suicide Prevention works in all the area’s of suicide needed to help us get this under control. Incase you did not notice it is only getting worse by the day. They put funds towards schools, research, and depression and alot money for grants that go directly to community help. I am more than honored to help more people stay on this earth instead of end their lives in tragedy and have many more families lost to this illness. This year the 18mile overnight walk through the darkness to the dawn is in NY. I am counting the days until we pack up the car and drive the many miles to walk together with the rest of the angels who know my pain.



<3 Joshua’s Mom



If you are interested in donating please follow the link! Even $5 helps more than you could imagine. Hmmm I wonder how to get a million people to donate $5 :)

https://theovernight.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donate.start&destination=P&eventID=500&participantID=1106



Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Teaching Teachers By Heart




Today was a day unlike any other. I got to help my mother create a Power Point about Joshua, my brother. I got to sit alone in a room and listen to her make a presentation about his life and death, and I got to sit in a room packed with High School teachers who listened too. Walking through the doors of the High School where I got dropped off every morning I was excited, nervous, and also grieving. Ever since my mom had said she was presenting to the district teachers, I had wanted to come with her. I knew how painful it was going to be for her and I wanted to be there in case she needed me. Little did I know that was exactly how it was supposed to turn out.


We got into the room where she was presenting about two hours before she was up. All the teachers were in another room listening to another presentation, so we had some time to work out technical glitches. We hooked up the laptop, put it up on the wall in front of nine tables each with five chairs, and began work. We wrote her speech, fixed errors, practiced presentations, ran the slide shows, and basically reviewed everything she had been working on for the past week. It was fun but it was also very sad, watching all of Joshua's pictures go by, never really being able to look at them as long as I would have liked to. Mom's presentation even as she just practiced was fabulous, even though she said at the time that she was very nervous and was thinking about backing out. “Mom,” I told her, “You're presenting your son's story to fifty of my teachers who probably need a good story to get through their heads about the effects of bullying. This is no time to call in sick!” Her presentation began by telling the story of Joshua's life, how he was a happy little boy who loved baseball and bike rides and playing catch. And then she moved to the times when he started to grow up and be bullied to the maximum. It ended with his death and the police report about it. She didn't even have to break in her story to stop crying, but I kept hearing people sniffling. I turned my head towards the laptop where I had to press the clicker. I couldn't believe my peripheral vision : maybe half of the whole assembly of math, history, science, and English teachers were crying. Some were weeping, some merely had watery eyes. There were a few women next to me who were actually crying, tears pouring down their eyes as my mother told the story of Joshua's broken heart. “You don't want to be that one teacher,” she said, looking out and making eye contact with them, “that sees the kid being bullied and doesn't say anything. You don't want to hear about how, because the issue was in your hands and you did nothing, that kid won't be coming back to school next year, or ever.”

I heard muffled sobs a few rows back, and I looked up into the projected image and into Joshua's smiling face, a boy whose heart was too big and whose family adored him. Now, thanks to my mother, the entire assembly knew exactly what could happen to a student who was bullied. “I address you,” my mother said, “not as teachers and faculty, although that is what you are, but as parents, aunts and uncles and grandmothers. Let this touch your heart.” It worked so well.

When she ended the presentation, and the whole assembly was clapping and crying, I saw her give them a smile and sit down near me again. The teachers, some of whom I had had classes with, all of whom I respected, began to move around in the room, talking to each other, coming over to congratulate my mother or give her a hug. Some even came to me and thanked me for putting the presentation together. Some of them were my teachers. I saw them every day. I learned from them. And they all had a new respect and a new pity in their eyes when they came over. “Please,” one said, “If you ever see bullying around, or anywhere, let me know, feel free to come talk to me about it.” I was absolutely stunned. “Well yes,” I said, “I try to report it any time I can.” “Good, you know … it's a very serious problem, we need to figure out new ways to put a stop to it, if we're going to fix it it's going to have to be quick.” I found myself speechless.

Other teachers simply gave me a hug, some of them were still crying when they said they were sorry for our loss...

I've never seen so many people who looked so united in their sadness and horror. They all rose up to the challenge of stopping bullying, and all rose up to thank me and my mother.



McDonalds afterward was kind of funny. The thing was, mommy got through her entire presentation without even saying, “Um...” Or even stuttering, so we got to the drive through and she says, “I'd like two extra double cheese-I mean cheese no, I mean no cheese, hamburgers, um double hamburgers absolutely plain, no cheese.” We cracked up.

~Joshua's Sister Danielle Age 14

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Death Wish

A few months before Joshua died, he sent me a list of directives. I have not shared this with anyone. I am guilt ridden at the fact that he was telling me he was leaving me and I did not see it. It was about each person he cared about or loathed. First he told me what he was doing or how he handled these people and then what I should do in the future. At the time I just thought he was growing up and being protective of me. I did not know he was guiding me after he was gone. I should have seen it when he insisted I marry Tom. He would not take no for an answer and frankly at the time I had no thoughts of being that serious…ever. Turns out Josh was also working on Tom in this same fashion. We had no idea he was leaving me in the arms of someone he respected. How stupid was I not to see this. “Promise me mom” he said. “Right now”. “He adores you, he makes you happy and he loves you more than anyone has”. I promised him because I wanted him to stop badgering me. A few short months later Josh was dead. I slipped into an emotional coma and that same person Joshua asked me to marry, was taking care of me as I lay in bed for 2 years. Saving my life. He fed me, be bathed me, he moved me closer to the cemetery and to Rockport so Danielle and Annabelle could see me” He saved my life. Joshua was right. The first thing I did was marry him. Now Joshua lives in us and it was the best decision I ever made.




“Get the girls” was the next thing he was insistent upon. After I left my second husband (yeah I’m a treasure) my daughters were taken from me violently. Many don’t know this but Joshua was the reason they were taken from me. You see in a court a nasty step-father who has been privy to a young childs pain can then go in and accuse him of being a danger to his sisters all the while knowing he was lying. It is called an ex parte. They were then removed from my home on those grounds. Joshua knew I was dying inside without them, but he did not know the details. He never found this out. It would have killed him inside. After his death I did exactly as he suggested. I kept my friends close and my enemies closer and in 2008 I got full custody of my two girls. Other people were interviewed in that process that Joshua mentioned to me.  I read over the interviews and realized just how dead on he was...That story has yet to be finished.





As I look back on the past few years I can see how each request of Joshua’s before he left has played out in my life. I am not able to post that message, as it would hurt many people and create what it is I am trying to remove from my life. As I succeed in doing what he suggests it has become clear how smart he was. How much he cared for me and how many things he was doing to care for me after he was gone. Recently I have been told a million times that I seem different. I have been looked at and people have tried to figure me out. Why they ask? The fact that they even ask makes no sense. The answer is Joshua. What he wanted for me and how far away from many people he asked me to get or how close he wanted me to be. How he knew who was good for me and who wasn’t.



I have one person left that Joshua adored more than life. She was his sweetest best friend, his partner in crime and truly the love of his heart. His sister. He told me what to do to keep close to her and it is not working. We are both in so much pain and filled with guilt that we are like oil and water when we are near each other. He said “mommy you are both so strong willed, one of you had to give in”. “Take care of her”. “Hug her more. Love her She needs you.” I am trying buddy. I am trying.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Bullying

Dealing with the loss of a child is a slow process. It has helped me  in recent years to let grief lead  the way and guide me in the directions I could handle at any given time. There were always aspects I was not ready for. The visualization of what Joshua went through as he gasped for his last breath, the physical aspects of death and burial, and even the people who contributed to his demise and my anger. I must admit the last one has been avoided by me like the plague. With all of this rage, I never really wanted to have anyone to direct it towards. It has now become an inevitable part of my moving forward.




As many of you now know, Massachusetts is in the midst of a bullying push. The Phoebe Prince hanging in South Hadley catapulted Bullying to the very front of our lives and gave it the emphasis it needed to have something done. Late though it is, it is certainly now opening up this topic in schools and with teachers everywhere. A week ago I got a phone call from the principal of our local high school looking to have Joshua’s story told as part of the teacher training and also for some object lessons on what is and what is not bullying. And there it was. A very, very difficult piece of this puzzle for me to face. The school is not simply interested in suicide, but suicide specific to torment. Many of Joshua’s friends have shared with me the torment he suffered in Wolfeboro at the hands of cruel people and I of course know much about the years before that. The term that hit Joshua the hardest was “FAGGIT”. That word hurts just to say it. I have now spent this past week pouring over messages from Josh on the computer, journals and going through all of the emails from his friends. It is the hardest reality yet to face. I did not protect Joshua from nasty people, nasty insults and nasty games.



Suicide is not pretty. Bullying is downright ugly and has many forms. I hope to be an inspiration to the teachers at North Middlesex Regional High School and provide them with empathy and knowledge. Joshua did not always want to kill himself. He was pushed. My goal is that no student suffers the same pushing!



Joshua’s Mom



P.S If you are reading this and you are a bully or a bystander please note, you are no longer protected and if caught you will be punished, now more seriously than ever. If you are an adult that bullies, please stop right away and seek help. You are likely raising a bully.

Monday, February 28, 2011

No Matter What I Do He Is Still Gone




At the end of the day when everthing is quiet, I climb into bed with a hole in my heart that I can't fill. This past month after authoring one of my stories about Joshua, being in the local paper and having my blog featured in Chicken Soup's newsletter. I am still a broken, bleeding open wound. Nothing seems to ease the pain whatsoever. No accomplishement could ever be great enough to ease the pain of death. If anything there are but moments that I am ok, in an ocean of grief.




One of the last times I saw Joshua he was sitting in a chair to my right. We were watching a movie with Will Smith about robots and Joshua was seeing how long he could dip his chocolate chip cookie in milk, just before it would dissapate into the milk. I was laughing and saying “no that's to long”...He would do it longer. It never broke apart and always made it to his mouth. I fell off to sleep after the movie ended and later called to him in his room, “light's out” and he softly said “I'm already asleep mommy”. He never stopped calling me mommy!



Some days I simply can't even get one foot in front of the other and some days I charge ahead with purpose. Really no matter what, I can not bring him home.



~Joshua's Mom

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Every Day Pain



Sometimes it’s as if my heart waits quietly to reconnect with my son. Each smell, taste and sound becomes a possibility for a memory I’d forgotten. Joshua was born to me at 16. His life chronicled in a fascinating way by journaling. His first steps, his first words, his first bike and even his first love light up the pages of my notebooks. As I had a glass of wine and peered into one of these books I saw “JOSHY LOVES MOMMY” written in scribbled crayon over the while lines. He was 4 and proud to be able to write. My heart burned to remember him with his little fingers flipping through this book and leaving this note for me. He had no idea it would be the keepsake of a broken heart.





A few weeks ago Annabelle and I stood in front of the TV to set up a Wii game of Jeopardy. She, knowing how to do all this, fidgeted with the paddle and came to the place where the characters were created. I stood in awe in the middle of the living room when I saw a character on the screen with the name Josh. It even looked like Josh. What is this I asked Annabelle? “Oh that’s Josh” she said proudly without looking up from her search. “Josh?” I asked in a gentle voice. “YUP, he is my character on here” she said as if that was normal every day stuff. I voiced a quiet “oh” and we played Jeopardy. Often I read stories about people using online characters to be and do things they normally could not. On this day I played Jeopardy with my son.



Annabelle wanted to have shirts with thumbholes like Josh. The idea bothered me because I hated how Joshua tried to keep himself so covered up. He hated his body, his legs and arms and began to disappear by covering himself with long hair, long, coats and long sleeves. It is times like these that I have to remember that Annabelle is not Josh and that she tries so hard to connect with him. As I folded the laundry yesterday her brand new bright green shirt with the thumbholes made it’s way into my hands and as I reached my hand into the sleeve to pull it right side out, my thumb slipped into the hole. Moments past and I was frozen. I simply stood there feeling my son all around me. I put myself in his shoes, remembered his arms and hands and the last time I felt him in my arms and teased him about his choice of clothing.



Each day life brings Josh back to me. So I live with my heart wide open!



~Joshua’s Mom

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Grief does not take a vacation!!

This past week I went to California to visit my sister Jen and see her precious new baby girl Ruby. I was excited on so many levels. It took my mind off the dreary winter, the piles of snow banks around and of course the pain that still lingers from not having Joshua around for Christmas or to see 2011. Maybe for one week I was going to leave my grief behind in Massachusetts. No such luck. As I stepped off the plane and exited the airport into the beautiful 68-degree temps I took a deep breath, it seemed innocent enough. Suddenly with that very breath of sunshine and warm air, I heard and felt my grief arise from the depths of my soul. Confusion seemed to be the order of the day. “Is it spring?” it asked. “Is it time to get ready for June?” It asked. Could it really be April already? And there I stood, bags in hand hoping to have the best vacation of my life and my grief suddenly decided it needed to understand what was going on. I felt dazed and unhappy and tried like hell to explain to myself. No it is not spring I thought almost out loud. It is not time to get ready for the sixth anniversary of Joshua’s death. I never once thought of the possobility that these warm temperatures would cause my emotional clock to think it was April and begin to prepare for June. It was like telling a child who woke up to early on Christmas morning to go back to bed. How do you tell a gut wrenching heart pain that you have a few more months.????


Thankfully the week flew bye.  Babies and diapers and sight seeing kept me very busy.  I made certain to take some time each day either on a walk or a bike ride to honor my grief. With each flower I picked or each blade of grass I stepped upon, it would come rushing back and again ask “Do you need me?”, “Is it time?” and I would softly again say no not yet. It was the first time it didn’t rush in, but asked me if it was needed. I found myself remarkably aware that we were for the first time acting as a team.  This my true friend.


I am home now. Home to the mile high snow banks, frigid temps and snuggling up by the fireplace.  California was beautiful, but this is where I belong. Although I know grief is not far from me, for the moment she has taken her place in the distance and waits for a the real April to come....<3



~Joshua’s Mom

*** Photo taken in California by my sister Jessica Lusk. <3

Monday, January 24, 2011

Life Books


Joshua’s death does indeed have silver linings whether I like to believe it or not. One of these is what is left for his sisters Danielle and Annabelle.




It seems I would do my son a huge disservice if not to learn from every aspect of his being gone. As I wildly pour over journals I have kept since he was a baby, I have become irritated with myself at how much I blabbered on about failed marriages, weight gain and people in general. The top portion, usually a paragraph is dedicated to the kids and then on and on with things that do not matter. The gold is the moments I wrote about his first steps, his favorite foods, and the way he was growing into a young man. Oh how I wish I had sat and written about him for hours on end.



Lesson…..Each moment is precious and you can not get it back. But you certainly can paint it’s picture with words.



Action:

A few weeks ago I went to the bookstore and bought two journals. Each of them represent my daughters ages 14 and 12. One is black and has rainbows on it, perfect for a teen and the other birds perfect for the girl who loves nature and just made her mommy a bird feeder. I then divided them into sections, past, present and future and began to record. Past was fun as I took boxes and boxes of journals and dumped them on the floor in front of the fire. Oh the things they said and did as babies.  It was a daunting task to sift through all of my drama and get to the best of it all. The present is for the things I see and hear now. The favorite games and activities and the many questions they ask me about growing up and the future is about things I hope for them and things I think they will need to know. How gorgeous they are inside and out, how to be mindful of the virtues as they travel through the harder times …I then add recipes and things of myself so they can remember me God forbid I am gone.



Joshua Stephen Amaral, it might be too late for you. But it is not to late for us. Thank you for showing me how to honor you in every conversation, every relationship and every moment of my life.



~Your Mommy

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Book Arrived



It was two days ago now and I was headed down the driveway to pick the girls up from school. I noticed a large manila envelope on the outside of my mailbox. I sat for a few moments looking through the car window uncertain if I should retrieve it. About a week ago I sent a request to the Wolfeboro police dept for my son’s entire file including photos taken at the scene. I pondered it for a while and then made my way over to the mailbox, convincing myself I did not have to open it any time soon. As I approached I noticed that the sender was Simon and Schuster. I tore off the elastic that held it to the red flag on the mailbox and ran to the car. Could this be the Chicken Soup Book I wondered? Indeed it was. I tore off the top to open the envelope and gently reached my hand into the package. It was in those few moments, as I pulled the book from it’s wrapping that it left the spiritual world, the emotional world and became physical. Somehow I was holding a small piece of my son. The front cover was a tree, much like the Joshua tree. And it was much like my life, dark on one side and bright and healthy on the other. Tears fled from my eyes and dropped onto the cover as I feverishly wiped them off. What if my story isn’t really in here, It wondered. Fear came over me and I slowly, without bending the book sifted through the stories in the front for his name. I did not see us. They would not have sent the book if we were not here. I looked again, and finally saw his name. Joshua. My baby boy was in here. Forever. More tears came as I read the story of my son and the cemetery. Of the tree that has taken such good care of us. That afternoon I held onto the book all day. I lay- in bed sobbing, clutching the book and moving in and out of the tangible world this book had created for me. For a while I felt as if I had my son back.



Annabelle my twelve-year-old daughter who was so pivotal in my sending that particular story krept in, as I lay peacefully in bed still holding  the book. She walked softly towards the side of my bed. Looked down at the book and me with pride on her face. “Mommy, this is wonderful, but I am starting to get concerned”. And there it was. The little tiny angel who wanted to make certain I did not allow myself to linger to long in the place she has seen me go far too often. I smiled at her, gave her a wink and laughed an unexpected laugh. She brought me back to reality, made me see that I was not clutching Joshua, but more his memory. Thank God for that jolt. I have no idea how long I would have stayed in that place. Many times I have wondered how much sooner I would have gotten back into reality, how many less years I might have stayed in bed if my daughters were at home nudging me to get better instead of sent away and kept away from me.



Blessings,

Joshua’s Mom