Say Hello To Joshua For Me

A few days ago I offered to take my mother in law in from a nursing home to live out her last days with us. The suggestion seemed automatic and almost took me off guard. My husband seemed surprised and a few people were less than tactful about how crazy I was. Needless to say, they have shrunk to acquaintances on my list. The days since she came have been more exhausting that I expected, my torn ACL is making it so bad that I actually have had to crawl up and down the stairs to help her and I began wondering if this was the best place for her. I was not successful at getting her pain under control and her screams were to loud for the kids and neighbors. Last night I was at my wits end and as I fell asleep I was asking God why I did this anyway. I know the usual answers, that it is directly related to what Tom did for me after Joshua, but there has to be more.


This morning I awoke feeling better. The knee is terribly painful, but my spirits were up and I began to really work on being positive and looking for the gifts that were in store for me. They came tonight.

Most of the day was spent peacefully for Claire. I upped the morphine and the patches must be working on her back to give her constant care. I brushed her hair, filed her nails a bit more and she was washed down by a wonderful home health aid. After a few hours of rest I went back downstairs with my Bible and sat on a stool near her. The bible is not something I have touched since Joshua died, however it was to read to her and I surely could do that. "Claire may I read to you from the Bible"?, "I know that you have always loved church and I would like to read to you". She nodded with eyes half open. I went directly to the Psalms, a book of joyous poems, praises and less heavy on the fire and brimstone than I felt she would need.  So I read and from what I have learned, she listened. Then I talked to her about heaven and told her that her mom and dad are waiting to see her and missed her all this time! And that Jesus was waiting with open arms to see her. She began to ask over and over "why are you telling me this"? I sang a round of Jesus love me (you) and then asked Claire if I could pray with her. It brought me back to the days in the nursing home when I knew someone was about to pass and I would pray with them.....It was definitely against the rules.

Dear Lord,

Please take Claire’s pain away and be merciful to her now in her last hours. Ready the wings of angels to take her swiftly into the arms of her Father. Help those of us who love her to let her go and know that she is in a better place without pain. Thank you for showing me favor as you chose me for the honor of taking care of Claire in these last hours. Now please be with us all as we ready ourselves for this journey into the unknown and make Claire certain that it is ok if she allows herself to let go.

Amen

As I spoke the words Amen, I was suddenly surrounded by God. I felt a lightness and intensity. I was unable to catch my breath and I knew I was in the presence of holiness. I could feel nothing but my son. I lifted my eyes up to the heavens and waited as if to see him and to feel the heavens open up and take me. I spoke to Joshua, he spoke to me. He told me how proud of me he was. I told him I was sending him a gift that I took care of, sang to, and loved the best I could as a message to his honor. He got it! He knew. As much as Tom matters, as much as Claire matters, I have to wonder if part of me was hoping that by caring for her, by holding her hand and giving her water, if I wasn't writing to my son a love letter through her. She will be in my home and after that she will be near my son, near my God....and again I will have had a fleeting moment, before I hear "it is not your time" and I am left here. But for now when someone asks me why I am doing this.....It is to be that much closer when the heavens open and the light shines down and her spirit is lifted. Maybe, just maybe I will catch a glimpse into heaven, and maybe just maybe I might see Joshua once again.

Claire Pool was a wonderful woman, who loved horses and church and singing. She loved Tommy with her entire heart and did her very best to care for him with that which she was able. She sat in church all of her life and loved God and He loved her back. Please say a prayer for the Tom this night as he says goodbye to her.

~Blessings

The Joshua Tree

Last night I decided to look on the Chicken Soup For The Soul’s web page to see If there was anything new and if the upcoming books had the book our story is in. Much to my surprise Chicken Soup For The Soul Grieving and Recovery is in book form and as I looked all I could see what this big beautiful tree on the cover. A tree just like the one that has been saving my life, sheltering me and taking care of Joshua since he left me. With that a sure of tears poured out of me as I decided that this tree is also our tree. As I stared at the cover what seemed a moment, but was truly hours. I began to imagine Joshua tucked within these pages, how his memory will rest gently on the shelves of bookcases and at bookstores and how honored he would be to know that mommy did this.



Chicken Soup may have no idea the impact the cover has had on me. As I read through the many years of books they have published I realize just how small Joshua and I are, in the realm of pain and how large we are in the realm of blessings. I doubt they decided that would be the Joshua Tree, but I do know that when I am called to write or do most anything in my life that is not controlled by me, angels always appear later to let me know it was intended. I have received such a gift in being allowed to rest my son on these pages. There is nothing harder for a mother who has lost a child, than to constantly think he might be forgotten. I often find myself testing my memories to make sure I stay sharp and keep all of him.



The book is scheduled for release on Feb 1st. I have to keep forgetting about it in order to let the time pass. I can feel the pages already in my hands. I can taste the tears and I can see myself sitting with him at the cemetery reading it to him and hoping he likes it. Under the Joshua Tree.



~~~Love,

Joshua’s Mommy