Friday, July 16, 2010

Thoughts for the future.

After the walk in Boston for suicide prevention there was a little let down for me. I had built up so much excitement and felt like I was doing something for my son again. I am now having a hard time figuring out which direction to head. Foundations, charities, speaking, writing, grief counselor training and working with the schools in my area ALL seem like great ideas. I am also working on a book although I have little confidence in my writing. Often I like to wait until I find the direction that I am lead to be in. It is a test in patience, but for the most part is usually spot on. My passion is for teens, struggling with the difficulties of depression and the new hormones that are confusing there bodies. I made business cards for the FaceBook page in order to try to get fans and awareness and I have submitted 2 stories to Chicken Soup and yet I feel empty. What is my purpose? I can do anything I put my mind to, but which direction would honor Joshua the most? I am trying to honor my confusion, but I am lost as to where to put my time and energy. Also something in the back of my mind says “Amanda what if you have a purpose, what if you start a foundation, does this mean it was part of the plan and that you are fulfilling Joshua’s death”, that thought makes me stop in my tracks. I refuse continue this work and keep his memory alive if it serves the purpose for his death.

Another personal struggle that rages inside of me and makes life awful, is finding people petty. It is a problem for many of us who have lost someone to suicide. I understand that logically you can not give everyone your prospective! However going out into the world and listening to people be complain, gripe and otherwise not realize how good they have it, bothers me immensely. I have found myself unable to not confront people treating there children badly! It’s not so much that we judge, it’s more that we wish. We wish for one last moment with our loved one or child. We regret each time they were yelled at or not listened to, we would give anything to wrap our arms around them, and so you who scream and swear at your children, you who do not listen to them or try to understand them, you who do not cuddle them or hug them or look into there eyes, YOU ARE ASSUMING YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THEM TO MISTREAT! And I would be more than happy to take them off your hands.

For the past week I have been in hospitals all over the state with my daughter Annabelle and her newly found Lyme disease. I am exhausted from all that this life has in store and I am wondering when I might just get a break from heartbreak. I have loved God since I was little and writing letters to him, and yet he and the many churches set out to follow him seem to be nothing like the sweet things I learned as a child. I hope to understand better and find my way back someday.

If you are reading this blog and are not a fan of the LIFE IS A HIGHWAY page, please consider hitting the like button to the right of the entries. It is the best way I know to raise awareness.

Blessings,
Amanda