Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Joshua Tree


THE JOSHUA TREE

The days after he passed were filled with a grey haze, which now I am thankful for. Although I have never looked into what shock actually is, I have come to know that it is mercy and grace for those of us who believe in a higher power. Psychologically it is protecting the body, mind and heart from more than it can take in all at once. It was in this state that I ended up at the Seaside Cemetery in Lanesville Ma. The first thing I noticed and felt was that even though I was in a cemetery, this place was beautiful. You could sit and look out at the ocean and almost feel the sea mist in each breeze. The second thing I recall was mounds of dirt piled over 8 feet tall in the corners of the cemetery, a reminder of where I actually was and that the dirt was extra from the holes dug from those passed. Next in my memory I was with my mom and dad and a tall man with a clip board. A clip board full of burial plots marked out so that he could identify which one we choose. There was no question in my mind where I wanted him. It was chosen before I even stepped foot in this sacred place. The tree stood as tall or taller than any other, it had a large trunk and seemed to be an break for the harsh winds, rain and winters. If I was going to bury my son, leave him here at night with nobody to watch over him, than he will be under the tree. It was an emmediate response on my part. No other place would do. I made up my mind. Upon telling the man that this was to be the spot to bury my fifteen year old son, he said in a kind way “this spot has not been plotted as of yet and is not a purchasable part of the cemetery” i.e that the cemetery does not go out that far. I don’t recall hearing much of that, and simply said it again. I think I might have said it 3 or 4 times. At the time my being did not know why he needed to be there, and no logic took me to that place. It was like nothing physically or emotionally was moving and yet there was a strength not my own to make certain I stayed this boys protector. My mom and dad seemed astonished that I had the ability whatsoever to insist up on this place. After much contemplation and a phone call, the man came back and said I could have this space for my son. The space under the tree. A tree that each time I come to see him I say hello to and Thank and each time I leave, I commission to again shelter him while I am gone. Shell Silverstein has a book called the giving tree and although I do not take nearly as much from Joshua’s tree, I understand how much life, love and protection one tree can give.


A few days ago I went to the cemetery to rake, clear and clean the cemetery after a harsh winter, and greeted the tree like an old friend. As I cleared I realized that I live much further from this place and wanted a small piece of the tree to take back with me. Somehow without hurting the tree. After going over the trunk looking and looking for a piece of bark that would not disturb the tree, I saw a piece sticking out of the ground as if it grew up next to the tree. I pulled it from the ground and took it home. It feels closer now. As I reviewed the photos from that day I realized I had an amazing picture to share on my facebook fans page. I said “This is the Joshua Tree”….I have heard that name from a U2 album and I wonder what It means. The answers back took my breath away. This tree that I have always called The Joshua Tree has deep Biblical meaning. It is believed to have been named for that because it reminded the pilgrims of Joshua’s outstretched hands calling for God and the promise land.

From a week mother wandering through a cemetery to a burial plot to a tree, Joshua’s death is leading me through a journey that I could never have anticipated or planned. It is an honor to understand that I was being led and that someday, this day I would understand more and more about the decisions I was not humanly able to make for my son. I have to believe that some of our life is mapped out, some parts of our journey are certain and that we need to just be still, not understand everything clearly. Some of the more powerful and profound decisions I have ever made were made for me and simply fell from my lips as if I were a mere pen, paint brush or tool to work towards a far better place, with more meaning, than I myself could ever have accomplished.

I know that is when there was but one set of footprints in the sand, I am certain then I was carried.

Blessings….

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Cemetery




Thank you so much to those who read this blog. The emails and comments from so many have made the effort rewarding and it is an honor to share Joshua with you.

Each year my body begins a journey before I am aware of its occurrence. When I finally realize it, it is to late to back out. I think this journey begins in March as the warm weather begins to set in and body starts the process of grieving before my heart again begins it fully. Usually mid March I start feeling run down, headaches and a constant feeling like I forgot something. That same nagging feeling when you pack for a vacation and just can’t figure out what it is. Did I truly forget him? No never, but possibly the distractions of winter are enough to cause the pain to fade from the front of my mind. For many March is an excited time of watching the flowers start to bud, the birds come back and make nests and people walking around happy and cheerful. This was always the case for me until the birth of spring, turned to the death of spring.

It is now the end of April and what my body has been suffering, my heart and soul and mind have begun to understand. The weeping is almost uncontrollable at times, the soft warm breezes on my face or the grass under my feet, only take me to the cemetery in my mind. I now stand half way through this doorway, looking forward and knowing that the mercy of the body to help the mind got me here. There is no going back, it is almost time to face June 3rd for the 5th year. I now have to continue moving forward because I am to far to run back.

Yesterday I embraced the upcoming anniversary and knew that I needed to go and take some time with Josh at the cemetery. The tree greeted me as always! A tree I fought hard for him to be under. This was the first time I took on the responsibility of the raking and the clipping and removing old flowers and replacing the hat. I now understand why I never have. With each dandelion I clipped off the bed of grass on my son I almost screamed, with each brush of dirt of his stone I could feel it taunting me being all that lay between me and my son. It was physically impossible, and reminded me of the very hard task I have of the physical and tactile aspect of death.

As I spend the next month with my body and soul and heart becoming one to grieve, I am astonished again how the body can actually give birth and then feel as if by some awful torment actually have to take this birth back. The cruelest thing I have ever known.

~Blessings.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Disney World






Annabelle is 11 and it has always been her dream to get to Disney. For the past many years she has continued to collect spare change and call it Disney money. If she stops adding to the jar for a while, she emmediatly starts back up when she sees a book about Disney or a commercial. As most of you know I have committed to walk the overnight in Boston and one requirement is $1,000 dollars. Although daunting, this amount is non negotiable to walk and my family is doing all they can to help. My facebook page, blog and website have all been geared to raise the funds. One day Annabelle's Disney Jar became a covered in beautiful paper and designed and said "Joshua's Money Jar". Annabelle put her hopes and dreams on hold to give to my walk and help support those who are hurting. She adored her brother, and I assume feels like she can do something for him this way. Annabelle has made 2 donations from tooth fairy money to spare change...More so she stopped thinking about herself and her trip to Disney. As a mother I keep going back and forth with this, proud that she would be so selfless at such a young age and kicking myself that her money could actually be going to Disney. She is almost past the age of wonder......Guilt.

Times are so tough , even raising money for suicide is hard right now because people are so strapped. But God has shown me blessings around every corner and each time I hear change drop into her jar upstairs in her bedroom, I thank God for small Angels disguised as children.

There are Angels Among Us.
Amanda

Monday, April 12, 2010

Wrist Bands





Cost $60 For Wristbands.....
Response from people who want one....
PRICELESS


In a cabinet next to my bed are my many priceless items left behind by my son. The hardest and best for me to keep was his jacket from Hot Topic. It was a long black trench coat with red outline and zippers all over. I remember buying it for him, I remember the day he stood in the living room and slipped it on and it was perfect. I remember him NEVER taking it off. It would have likely been a phase if he had lived long enough. Some days I stretch it out on my bed and others I take it out and hold onto it, trying to smell what might be left of his scent. The bands in the above picture match it exactly. Also in this cabinet is a journal, a deck of phase 10 cards that he carried with him everywhere. A t-shirt that says "you laught at me because I am different, I laugh at you because you are all the same". I always taught the kids to march to a different drum and Joshua did that with pride. I wish I had felt so proud of him instead of afraid of how different he was! People are often afraid of what they do not understand. Now I embrace this.

Last night I put the picture of the wrist bands up on my FB page, Life Is A Highway and the response was shocking. Why would anyone want one of these? Why would anyone read this blog? Why has anyone entered into this journey with me. I have found that empathy is a quality that more people have than I understood and also that many do not have an ounce of it. Do these people understand at all what gifts they give me through caring and honoring my sons memory? That a simple "I would like a bracelet" is a small shiny gift for me that warms my heart and makes me feel like his mother again? The beauty of it is NO! The past month since I started this blog, started this walk and started fundraising for this cause, has been like my very own advent calender before Christmas! Each day I wake up with the excitement of a child to see who and what is in store for me. I peel back the paper and look inside. It is almost NEVER what I would have expected. For one who is never suprised...that in itself is a gift.

How to get these bands to people is another question!...I would buy thousands and send them to everyone if I could.

Blessings,
Amanda

Monday, April 5, 2010

Not By Might Nor By Power But By The Spirit

This is going to be very personal, and yet ties in so deeply with what I am learning these past few months. Have you ever struggled with something and the more you struggled the more it did not work, and when you released your grasp it all fell into order? My personality is as such! I like to get things done, more than I allow them to work in their time and way. I have a huge NOW factor that gyps me from the beauty of how things COULD HAVE TURNED OUT. I am instant gratification personified. All my life I have heard, maybe you need to wait? Things are always instant or immediate. Ok now having said that, here's how this applies.

For the first 2 years after Joshua I was numb and in shock. Shock is an amazing gift. It allows the body to go into a non-information state and lets you deal with it incrementally as you are able. Mine was 2 years. In those years I read books on grief and began to build my mind and body back up. There was much work being done over that time, as I sat in a little apartment in Rockport facing a wall. Suddenly one day (in my fashion) I was done. I don't remember it, but Tom tells me it scared him because of how sudden it was. I stood up, made a plan and moved forward stronger (I thought) than I ever was. In fact now that I look back, I think I was being pushed by an amazing amount of anger. If there was nothing I could not accomplish before in my life, there was certainly nothing then. I took back the house management, took back full custody of the girls and thought...wow I am doing this and it's great! Hmmmm I am thinking I missed a stage in there.

About a month ago I found it. It was hidden in this walk! The stage or stages I skipped. My mind set was, hmmm I will do this walk for my son to honor him. I am passionate about this subject; I can be his mom again. Wow was I infinitely closed minded to the journey I was stepping into. It wasn’t I who was going to do anything and certainly I have learned that each thing I have tried to do myself IS NOT WORKING. Each person I contact, each event I try to MAKE happen is simply NOT. And then when I focus back on my pain and the gifts I am receiving it falls back into place. I am in the struggle of a lifetime for the proverbial let go and let GOD. The fine line of when to act and when to wait. The roadblocks have been prevalent each time I try to force this, and those moved by the spirit have reminded me to wait. They find me, not I them!

This is not about walking, it's not about fundraising (although it is). It's about me and the steps I skipped. It's about feeling my son, grieving my son! It's about finally moving from the anger to the pain I skipped. I recently watched an Oprah show where Rosie o'Donnell was talking about something that happened in her life and she said "If I was stronger, I would have cried".

Here's to my new found "weakness"! Each of you who have reached out and contacted me because you felt led or like you were in this by the Spirit...Thank You. To each of you I have contacted because I felt you should be in this journey....and it was not the case, I apologize!

~Amanda