Sunday, March 28, 2010

Out Of The Darkness Walk 2010

Walk Details For Those Walking:

The walk is in Boston and although Out of The Darkness keeps the route information until we arrive, they do give out check points for those of your friends and family who want to be supportive and hand out water and encourage you. This was a bummer to me, as I was going to map out the walk route and the Starbucks route at the same time :). I suspect that the ceremonies will be held on the common, but that is a guess. My husband Tom is going to drive the car into Boston and bring his bike so that he can be at all the rest stops to encourage. He said he will have a backpack of my favorite drinks. :) Love Him

The donations! Walkers Please understand that the $1,000 dollars is solid. The only way to get around it, if you have less than that amount is to put yourself on a 30-60 day payment plan after you walk. They are serious about that pledge. I have heard many people mention that they think it is a "suggested" amount. That is not correct. Please make certain you are clear about working hard to get that amount, otherwise donate to someone who is walking. Often times a person will get a few donations, not walk and they could have helped someone walk.

There is a Facebook Page on the side of my blog. For those of you who are not Fans, please consider fanning that page. It is called Life is a Highway and has a great fan base with walkers, grievers and friends! I try to put updates for all. There is also a Spring pocketbook fundraiser on the donate tab on that page. Theresa(the consultant) has donated ALL of her proceeds to this cause.

Currently I would like to thank the Lunenburg Ledger the Life Is Good company and The Rabbit Hill Inn for the support and donations. More to come on that! Yes I contacted Starbucks :)

That's the business for now. I have been told that many people read this blog, Please consider "following" it is simple, with a very easy sign up.

Blessing and Many Thanks!
Amanda


They knock me down
And back up again
You're in my blood
I'm not a lonely man
There's no load I can't hold
The road's so rough this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors

Fundraising and what it is NOT about!

This will be short. So many times in my life I would have sat down and wrote a check for the thousand dollar entrance fee for the walk and be done. These days it's simply not that easy and I could not be more happy about it! What would I have missed out on had I had that money easily, or even decided to just put it in and not worry about it? Well I would have missed out on the road I was supposed to take. The road paved with people I was supposed to get to know. The road full of stories I was supposed to hear. The amazing amount of prospective and grace I was supposed to get. The feeling like no matter what, I am in the right place at the very right time. So tonight I am thankful for NOT having the money.....How's that for backwards :)

Nite All,
Amanda

Friday, March 26, 2010

Dear One





Can you see us Dear One
As we light up the night
As we meet as survivors
To help others fight.


Can you see us Dear One
As we struggle to bear
The most painful memories
To show that we care.

Do you see me, your mother
As I struggle to be
The one who still holds you
And rocks you to sleep

With each mile...each candle
Each pat on the back
They'll be sadness in knowing
This won't bring you back

But know one thing my Dear One
Know one thing for sure
I will help find what ailed you
I will help find a cure

So see me my Dear One
As I walk with your name
Written boldy on my back
I will ne'er be the same

See all our faces
Watch each step that we take
As our feet beet the ground
And our hearts bend and break.




* To my son Joshua....may our luminaries light up the skies of heaven on this June evening.

Written By Amanda Pool

Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Birthday Present from God


I hold the night Joshua was born and the night he died so intensely close that I am sure I will be consumed by it and yet I am not. Instead it changes me, each and every day I see God in new ways drawing me away from the indifference of this world and into the intimacy of the eternal place. Josh was born on my birthday. Imagine that! My first grandchild born on my birthday. A birthday present from God. One of the most joyful and happiest days of my life. Who would have ever believed that this same child would be the reason for the most profoundly sad day of my life as well. A mere fifteen years later. Even now the darkest place in my being embraces a flicker of light called Joy as I remember so fondly our relationship and the wonderful years we had together. He is still a gift from God and I honor this pain and feel humbled to carry it forth for a reason that may yet to be seen.

I love you Josh. Love, Mimi

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Thoughts

The Facebook page has 200 or more fans now. I count that as a major accomplishment and each time I see a new fan I get excited and hope that my son is proud of me. It is great to be able to see something I created, grow. I am certain that my self doubt as a mother has taken much of that pride away and left me with so much doubt that anything I affect might die. I have disected and tried very hard to make certain my parenting skills are the best they can be. I think that is just my nature to have to fix, and to DO something. What is a tragedy like losing a child, without lessons learned. In so many ways the silver linings are all around us, but I would rather have my son back home in his bed. I am uncertain of the amount needed to be raised. It has been several weeks and I am not really doing wonderful on the thousand. I have seen so many people concered with raising that much. I have many great ideas I will share, and we can see if they succeed or fail. I NEED to walk this for my son. It is the first real hope I have had in a while.

Yesterday I got my package in the mail from Out of The Darkness. I was so excited to find that they included a T-shirt. I am also excited that it is huge and I can wear it as a night shirt afterwards and remember the walk! I have been extremely emotional the past few days as I think the walk is re-opening some wounds that may not have healed. Yesterday I saw the line on the back of the t-shirt and thought, wow my son is reduced to a line on a shirt. Today I looked at the line and wondered how I could ever write Josh's name neatly enough on that line. You only get one chance in permanent marker. Then later yesterday I recieved an inbox of a very touching story (one of so many lately) from a wonderful girl I knew growing up and to top it all off, I checked this blog while I was in the bookstore and saw a follower. My heart lept. There is something about writing and someone reading what you write that can not be equaled. When I saw who my fan was, thinking maybe the person might have accidentally fanned....I found out it was my best friend and husband Tom. So needless to say I was in the bookstore weeping. This journey is changing my life, one person at a time. Joshua would be so honored.

Tonight a wonderful man emailed the FaceBook "life is a highway" page and told me all about his efforts in working out. It happened to be at the very moment I was indulging myself in a cookie and feeling awful about it. After I read how great he was doing , I felt an emmediate lift and realized I have to get back on track with my work outs....I have been having way to many allowances of cookies lately. If you are reading this, Thank You for the motivation. I hope to see you on the path.

Lastly one other thing that has deeply touched me, and more in my imagination and a bit of video are the luminary bags they give out to write someone's name on. I saw a video of a previous walk where those lighted candle bags lined the streets. I sobbed. I am not posotive how I will keep from crying the entire walk, especially walking along paved footpaths lined with candles for the deceased.

As those who have felt death tear at the very heart that beats within, they also know that they are able to walk the weary trail of life between today and eternity. It is a place where you look at those around you and you almost don't understand them anymore, where the speed of things seems to have picked up faster than anyone moves, just incase you miss something or lose someone else. You listen to interactions between parents and children or husbands and wives and you say to yourself or even them if you are like me"oh you should be so much kinder, they may not always be here". It is a blessing and a curse to keep a foot firmly in both places when each call to you. Those who knew you, do not know you any longer! There is no way to explain this. God bless all of you walking around trying to keep your attention focused on those you live with, while your very heart longs to be with the one you lost. I commend you for this.

Blessings,
Amanda

Monday, March 22, 2010

FOREST FOR THE TREES

Ahhhh how amazing every situation can be when it is flipped over, turned upside down and looked at with a little bit of PROSPECTIVE. Funny how unlike the movie Ratatouille, I couldnt just walk in and sit down and order it! This had to come, as any journey, gradually.

I thought this was about the overnight walk, turns out that was just the beginning. The opening for each donation or email or person who heard to send me a heart breaking story about someone who shot himself, hung himself, overdosed and above all died of broken hearts. I thought this was about Josh, or even about myself. I thought I knew the direction I was headed, but I bet I don't. If someone kills themself every 16 minutes than I may very well be sitting her at this keyboard crying as I am now for each of them. I signed on to walk, but what seems to be occuring is a re-birth of Joshua's death from a place where I can actually heal and feel and see.

To all of you who have written I am humbled that you would share a moment of your pain with me! I am not worthy and I contemplate with each story, what do with the precous gift. Please know that you are changing my life and my journey and ultimately giving Joshua's life and death an easier place for me to heal from and release. Some people use balloons or butterflies, but it seems that I get to use your stories! Keep contacting me and we can put all of them together and make a huge difference.

Yours Truly,
One Suicide Survior To Another

OUT OF THE DARKNESS

There is nothing like being a Mom. Joshua called me Mommy up until the day he abruptly left this earth. Until then I was his mom. On June 3rd 2005 and the days after I was left with an awful helpless feeling. Sure I could go and pluck weeds around his stone in Lanesville, I could buy flowers and hope that these things would be enough to help with the feeling that I was not taking care of him anymore. They were not. How do you stop being a mom? How do you stop the physical actions of being a mom? My heart not only longs for him to come home, but it longs to wash his face, comb his hair and help him with his homework. I remember desperately begging the man at the cemetery to let Josh be under a large tree so that someone could take care of him in my stead. That tree leans over him to this day.


About a week ago, The Overnight Walk for Boston suddenly came on the radio. An 18 mile walk overnight in Boston Massachusetts to prevent and understand suicide. My heart began to race and I pulled the car over to write down the web site and details. This was the long awaited answer to my question of “what can I do for him”. Not only can I feel like a mom to Josh again for Just 2 days, but I can also help others and be around amazing ,strong people who have also known this heart ache. I felt almost elated. I am a do-er. I can work out, raise funds, plan a bake sale and be a mommy! Thank God for the smallest of gifts.

So to Joshua who suffered much! I plan to do my best to honor him and raise as much money as I can to help others fight, this, which plagues the heart, and mind almost relentlessly and along side me will be my mother! An amazing woman who raised Joshua right along side me and who lost a part of herself with him.

Please take a moment to look at the links below and find it in your heart to support this walk…..


God Bless and More to come as our team grows!

Rose and Amanda


http://www.theovernight.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=extranet.teampage&teamid=T1002875

Scroll to the bottom of the page and you will see our team members and be able to donate. No amount is to small and it does not cost to donate.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Joshua




Every moment of every day my heart cries out for him, my son! Joshua was my first born and my first real understanding of what it meant to be selfless. I was sixteen when I had him and yet it seem that bonding with a baby and caring for him were as natural to me as speaking. As he grew it became more and more apparent that he would not have the heart for this world. Not fit in, not understand the cruelty of those around him and certainly his fashion of deep love, strong commitment and taking the pain of others on, would not be welcomed or understood. He was simply to caring for this life. Looking back I did not help. I feel it was my heart and how close he and I were that made him so fragile. It might be possible that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but for me it is paved with regret. It is a dark place, a missed phone call on an evening when he was going to take his life or time not spent. These are all the trappings of the darkness.




On the evening of June 3rd Joshua hung himself at a home in Wolfboro NH  I was not the one to find him. I was not the one to call 911, I was not the one who had the chance to scramble and struggle to get him down, to make him breathe again, to go in the ambulance...I was in fact hours away at a home in Gloucester on the ground screaming and what seemed like a million miles from my son. The drive to Wolfboro was torture. A phrase kept running through my head "wither so ever thou goest"...I found out later that that is a Bible verse Joshua 1:9.




The hospital was full of crying people. I think I was in a numb shock and certainly not processing what was about to happen or what I would see. My family each went in to say there good-byes separately and then it was my turn. I know some families have chosen not to go in, some have decided it best not to let the last sight of your child be bruised and broken. That however was not me. I knew I had to, I knew it would be regretted always and I needed to say good-bye. If I could not make myself turn the knob and go in, then the only idea I had was to go in backwards. To get myself to his body, but not face this. I turned around, pushed against the door with my back and entered into a place that was so quiet, so eerie and so void of my sons energy. My face was now on the door as I backed into the room and reached my hands out behind me, waiting for the moment they reached where he lay. One step, another step and then another until my hands behind me felt a warm blanket and a foot. My baby boys foot. There I was suddenly holding death in my hands and waiting for him to say something. He did not. Finally after a time I turned around. There was my son, gone. His beautiful black hair, his tiny beard on his chin that he was trying to grow and the eyes that I wanted to look at me, closed. The blanket was pulled up high on his neck so I could not see the marks from the strangulation, but I am a mom and so I pulled the blanket down and ran my fingers over those lines and flashed to the attic and the struggle for breath and the reality of what he has just done.




So many knew my son. The outpouring of love from Wolfboro to Gloucester made his memorial service standing room....I never knew how many lives he touched until that day.