Who would you be today?

Joshua was born September 6th 1989. In 7 days he would have been 21 years old. I imagine things would be better for him. He might have successfully moved through the more awkward stages of life, healed his wounds by giving others time to make things up to him and start finding his terrific strength. I imagine a girl would love him, I imagine he would have a car (likely his first and so not a great car), maybe he would have settled into one hair style and maybe he would have stopped making such a point of not fitting in. He would have likely begun to own himself, own his thoughts, own his life and I am certain he would still be calling me mommy. He didn’t like cake. Not sure what I would put 21 candles on. In fact he didn’t like sweets very much at all. He would still be a dry comedian in love with puns and making connections that I never would have made. He wouldn’t be any taller than last I saw him. He might have gotten rid of the facial hair and certainly his beard would no longer be red, from the time he and Jamie died it in the bathroom in NH.




I am certain that he would still have a bigger heart than he knew what to do with, but by now he might have learned that it was ok to love to much, care to much, hold on to tight and feel more than most. He might have accepted that he had his mother’s heart and learned how to make it work for him. I can imagine he and Tom still hanging out like they used to and making me both nervous and embarrassed ALL THE TIME. He would be alive to see that I did exactly what he asked me to do and married Tom before he got away!!! He certainly would still be the protective oldest brother, maybe even more so at 21.



Instead he lies in a grave for his 21st birthday. His body trapped in a dark hole where I cannot get to him and hold him and kiss him. Instead I get to imagine him instead of hug and sing to him. Happy Birthday my Joshua, I will make a wish this year for both of us!



Mommy

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Grieving and Recovery

Logo From Chicken Soup Website

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Grieving and Recovery



The past few weeks have been amazingly busy. Lyme Meningitis turns out to be the tragedy of the month. I now understand way more than I wish I did about symptoms, reoccurrence and the politics of the disease with its infighting among doctors. It is nothing less than a scary place to be! Annabelle has decided to turn it around and have lemonade stands to help the cause. Joshua’s death taught us all to turn our pain outward and help others. It feels so good.


In the midst of the Anniversary of Joshua’s Death, his upcoming 21st Birthday and many other things swirling around my life, I hoped to get a story published in Chicken Soups upcoming book on grief and loss. From my research this is no simple task and the more I researched about the odds, the less I thought I had a chance. I am a closet writer, who has very little confidence when it comes to sending out my works. Some days I sat and wrote in tears, some day’s I wrote and screamed at my son for leaving me and other days I simply could not pick up the pen. In looking back I must have looked like Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give. My goal was to continue my sons legacy and tell his story, while letting others know they are not alone. It was daunting, exhausting and gut wrenching. I sent it and emmediatly forgot about it. That was going to be the only way to NOT check my email every day. For years I wrote, and was far to attached and worried about the rejection to send things. How then was I able to send out a work about my son’s death, and not be so attached to it that I would be devastated if it was not chosen. I just don’t know who I managed it.

2 Days ago the email came. It was from Chicken Soup and when my eyes saw “PERMISSION” in the headline I jumped up from my desk and sobbed. My daughters ran to me hugging me and asking me what was wrong. They then went in and checked the email, I simply could not read on. Danielle came back in jumping up and down and saying “they want it” “they want The Joshua Tree, Mommy”. They call me mommy just like Josh did up until he died. I love it. I finally made it back to the email, they want my permission to print and the money I earn for the story will go right back into next years walk for suicide!!!! They also give out 10 free books and I am so excited. Joshua was on this earth for far to short a time, that story will not live on in the pages of a book and help keep him alive.

Last night I fell asleep holding his jacket for a time. Thanking him for watching over me and my dreams. Sometimes the reality strikes me when grief will allow. I cried myself to sleep, loving him and loving his memories.

For all of you on the Life Is A Highway FB page, my family husband and children. This was not possible without you picking me back up and brushing me off with encouragement. The book comes out in Feb of 2011. Pick up a copy and know that within that with my story are your efforts for those you loved and lost.

Thank You
Blessings,
Joshua’s Mom